Y’all. I cannot. Bellmead just made the CDC’s bingo card. 🤦♀️
Squillace Mike, Josh Tatum, and Tobin Mark really out here treating syphilis like it’s a group chat attachment — everybody gets a file, nobody asked for it. Congratulations, boys, you’ve turned the ’05 into the world’s first drive-thru penicillin clinic.
And Wendy K. Young? 🥂 Babe, you didn’t just air the dirty laundry — you hung it up on the courthouse steps with neon lights and a megaphone. You’re a fkn goddess. You’ve done more for public health than Blue Cross Blue Shield, and with way better entertainment value.
Imagine being these dudes though:
- “Hey bro, what you got?”
- “New rims, a pitbull puppy, and oh yeah… syphilis. Wanna ride?”
Ladies — keep your legs closed to these sewer rats until they show a negative test and maybe a notarized letter from the Health Department. Matter fact, Bellmead should issue hazmat suits for free at H-E-B.
And let me just say:
🐀 Squillace — your name already sounds like a skin rash. Fitting.
🐸 Josh Tatum — always “feeling froggy”? Leap your itchy ass into a doctor’s office.
🦴 Tobin Mark — boy, you’re flatter than a possum on 84 and smell about the same.
This isn’t a scandal, it’s a cautionary tale. This is what happens when you let Dollar General Casanovas loose without supervision.
So yeah — tomorrow’s big Bellmead event:
🩺 Free STD testing.
🌞 Free sunscreen.
🥊 Free asswhoopins if you’re still denying it.
The ’05: where gossip spreads fast, but syphilis spreads faster.
